Suburbs- Paradise or Nightmare. How is the Utah Mom coping?

Note: I go into this topic in more depth in my blog "How the Suburbs Hurt Utah Families". I want to explicitly address that I am aware mothers love their children, and find plenty of fulfillment and joy in motherhood, despite the difficulties. I am just trying lift the heavy burdens placed upon the modern mother in Utah, and help her find as much fulfillment, peace and joy in her role as possible. 

The Suburbs Make Motherhood Incredibly More Difficult: Mothers are suffering immensely. 

Is being a Mom just... not worth it?

It's not a secret that being a parent is a huge time commitment, and let's face it, exhausting. Less and less people seem interested in joining the parental club. The pressures on the American mom to have successful, talented and healthy children is continually mounting while becoming more difficult and expensive. The American public seems to be increasingly agreeing that motherhood and children are unbearable. The stereotypical "suburban housewife or mother" becomes more and more unappealing. Boring, exhausting, and lonely. 

All moms? Well...No.

Interestingly, it doesn't seem all countries are having the same experience. Time magazine recently found a study that parents are happier than non-parents in places such as Norway, Hungary, Portugal, Finland, Sweden and Spain. Whereas American mothers are very low on the parental happiness scale. While mothers still deeply love their children, it seems our mothers are in crisis, struggling with exhaustion, isolation, burnout, heightened domestic duties, boredom, poverty, physical illness, mental illness, and lack of productive adult work.  They feel undervalued, and invisible. This is in fact, not the mothers moral failure, but the practically dead and nonfunctional environment she has been imprisoned in, the American suburb as well as other car centric zoned cities. (1)

Differences?

So what is the major difference in these countries? Has our prosperity ruined everything? Not quite. It seems countries that prioritize alternative transportation, mixed zoning, and walkable cities are the places where mothers feel the most freedom, fulfillment and joy. American mothers are the victims of our obsessive car centric infrastructure and the suburb is its greatest failure. Now due to the housing crisis, only the elite or older more established families can afford to even be in a suburb. Other mothers are relegated to townhomes, or condos, with similar problems, car traffic but no backyard. Pretty soon moderate income Utah families will be harassed by car traffic with no outlets, while peaceful suburbs will be solely owned by older communities. My, my what will their children do? 

Nonfunctional

(2)

As I've mentioned before, the suburb is a nonfunctional prison, where you must take your car to do anything meaningful, or necessary. That includes, groceries, bank transfers, extracurricular activities and for many, commutes to school. The suburb relies on other infrastructures to survive. Because of car dependent infrastructure, this exists almost everywhere else as well, but in less degree, and with plenty more car traffic, and dangerous or nonexistent walkability. 

As there is nothing compelling to do outside, other than throw a baseball, or take a walk, people simply aren't outside. Millions of families are secluded in their homes, including isolated and struggling mothers. 

What Does Utah Mom do?

Because Utah mom must leave in a car to do daily chores, she is isolated in her car, passing people she will never see again, only to return home to her garage. She may only see her children the entire day. It is an exception in Suburbia, not the rule, that people will sometimes run into each other briefly, or deliberately schedule time together. A mother can exist without seeing anyone until she emerges for her Sunday meeting(if she attends) or toddler playdate. She may feel uneasy about scheduling time with friends, afraid she is intruding upon their time, because... she often is.  This has serious ramifications on a mother's mental health. As the world becomes more in tune online, exacerbated by poor zoning, the more the suburb isolation steals from the desperately lonely mother. 

(3)

What does Norweigan Mom do? 

It's different for many mothers in European countries. Europe is famous for mixed zoning. Cities that allow both housing and local businesses with pedestrian priority infrastructure. If done well, this infrastructure creates cities with the peaceful atmosphere of a suburb, densely populated, and designed entirely for the local pedestrian. Mothers are able to do adult activities while passively seeing their neighbors and getting to know them over time. The walkability or public transport allows their babies to nap anywhere because they are not constantly disturbing them from carseat to ground. 

The Ideal becomes the Normal

Here's an example of an ideal situation in a beautiful, peaceful and well designed city that isn't car infested. A mother is walking or biking her way home from the bank with her children, she may see a friend sitting outside a cafe enjoying the views. She joins her for a warm drink and has a fulfilling chat while her children play nearby, and then goes home to finish other business. Depending on their ages, her mixed city allows more visibility and safety for children. She feels comfortable enough to send her children home on the tram to do homework themselves while she finishes chatting. All of this allows peace, beauty, socialization, productive adult functioning, and rest. Her small serendipitous escapade has left her feeling socially fed and productive rather than lonely and burnt out. She didn't have to intrude on a her friend's time, as it was clear the mother was taking a moment of rest from her daily tasks, and now both can finish their days with tasks they are interested in.  

(Mom and children doing errands together. Notice the very wide and safe bike lanes that are separated from car traffic in this Netherland city.)

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The ideal is having a car!! Not needing to walk!

Firstly, you could still drive to your destinations... if you wanted to. I'm just trying to create an environment where you don't have to as it helps the general health and happiness of the communities that live in them. A Utah mother will drive to Costco herself (or perhaps with her children if she's ambitious) in the ugliest part of the city, pick up everything she needs, likely never see a soul she knows, and then drive home. Costco isn't a place to enjoy the views and friends unless you like parking lots and noise.

If she does meet someone, she's not going to hang out in costco for fun and beauty, so it may go like this, "Hi how are you!" "I'm good, you?" "Great. We should get together sometime." "Yeah, we haven't seen each other in a while." "I know..." "I'll text you a time we can do dinner." "Awesome, let me know." 

Which... sounds all too painfully familiar because they often never actually get together for dinner. Both felt they needed to, but both are emotionally overwhelmed or busy shuttling around children to follow through... Oh well... maybe next time. 

Exhausting and Nonstop caretaking. 

Just because a mother is the primary caretaker, does not mean that she needs to be with her children 24/7. Mothers cannot do their best work in these situations. The modern mother has little to no rest from their children unless they are wealthy enough to pay for a part time nanny or close by family. Everyone is stuck home with very little meaningful stimulation, and low grade cabin fever. Unless a mother is insanely proactive about entertaining her children, creating playdates, and activities for them, mothers begin to feel under-appreciated, as their children never have a break from them and they intensely struggle to curb their children's restless boredom. This can also result in behavioral problems that the suburban mother feels she must invest time and money into fix. 

So... How does Utah Mom cope with Suburban boredom and burnout? 

Let them Cry

It is not common for overwhelmed mothers to hear, "Just let them cry, you can't always be entertaining them." "Let them cry themselves to sleep, you need a break." Yes, our mothers need a break, but if its at the detriment of children, there are infrastructural problems at hand. We are so imprisoned and isolated by our suburbia prison, or whatever car dependent place we live in, we actually think it's normal to allow our babies to cry so that we can function. 

Unable to meet their needs, mothers are trapped in a corner feeling,..."I've given everything, I don't know what else to do." Again, it is not just that motherhood is simply too hard, or she has morally failed her children. It is that a mother is not meant to be the sole entertainer of her children for hours on end in a dead environment! This is not how healthy women or mothers function. 

Screen Time

"Don't let your children on screens until they are two!" Oh how so many mothers wish they could make that lofty goal. Unfortunately, because it's such never ending chore to take children out in a car to do anything interesting, and suburbs are dead wastelands,  screens become parent number two. Just to get a break, mothers will pull out Disney+, or Sesame street, or Bluey and play until it no longer interest her children. I'm sure many mothers are wrestling with the guilt of too much screen time, but desperate for any other options. Especially since adults seem addicted themselves, searching for connection outside of their homes. Older children typically get the brunt of screen time as the local play gym or outdoor adventure no long feels slightly appealing. Children spend a dangerous amount of time online, getting themselves into pornography addictions, social media obsessions, or being groomed by online perverts on their phones. We need mixed zoning to solve this. There must be compelling and productive things to do for children outside of a car. 

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Extra curricular 

The suburban mom wants her children to be happy and successful. So of course she shovels out money for dance lessons, gas to drive , and hours of her precious time to get her child there and back. The constant shuttling... it's just an awful waste of time and money. Create environments that are peaceful, inviting, safe, and lively so that children are constantly shuttling themselves to dance lessons or playdates on a bike, train or walking. This gives mother a break, and her children the autonomy they need and deserve. 

Not working or working 

Mothers are meant to work. They've worked for centuries in both providing for the household while also raising children. The two were symbiotic. We've completely separated the two as a culture. To cope, many women feel they need to work, but must miss out on her children, or for the dedicated homemaker, never working and feeling like they'll shrivel of boredom, and lack of contribution.  It's a tough road. In mixed zoned city with plenty of alternative transportation and close amenities, mothers can work at her neighborhood local bakery for 2-4 hours a day while her children are at school or practice, and then walk or bike home, with plenty of time to spend with them. She is close by, instead of forty or twenty  minutes away to take care of emergencies. If children are not in the house nearly as much as in a car centric suburbia, her life is not relegated to solely housework because it's a generally cleaner environment, leaving space for other interests. 

A woman's individual identity can be stripped from her in Suburbia, not because she is a mother, but because she is a mother in suburbia. She cannot continue normal life. She loses friends, hobbies, productive time outside, jobs, freedom, and rest. 

Toys 

The suburban mom becomes obsessed with finding new toys, rather than just living in an environment that is compelling enough to simply be outside, doing things. It's pricey, exhausting, and so... so messy. How did children survive before without toys?? They had nature, friends, jobs, meaningful outside housework, or walkable neighborhood and city environments to discover friends and activities. Unfortunately in the suburbs, you're not going to get a single one of those. Unless you count mowing the lawn so your house looks aesthetic as "meaningful". 

Public School 

"And mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again..." Christmas song, but... you get the point. Holiday vacation, such as summer, can become an exhausting for parents who feel their children have little meaningful entertainment, and are home more than usual. While holiday breaks should be a time of rest, they can become restless, expensive and overwhelming.

Utah Moms need more. 

If we want to incentivize having children, and easing the burdens placed upon our precious mothers, we must change our infrastructure. We aren't trying to steal away a mothers car. We are simply trying to create a functional environment where she can enjoy her life without one. The reason why we must have mixed zoning and pedestrian heavy street design, and alternative transportation is because it allows a mother to continue her life and thrive without the insane car traffic we've become accustom to. When people can move around safely and conveniently without a car, amazingly, they do. 

Citations

(1)(Source:https://time.com/collection/guide-to-happiness/4370344/parents-happiness-children-study/)

(2)https://www.worldatlas.com/articles/what-is-a-suburb.html

(3)https://www.verywellfamily.com/feeling-bored-as-a-new-mom-4788083

(4)https://twitter.com/martynschmoll/status/1654139510291316736

(5)https://simplifyingfamily.com/boring-mom/